A Tribute to my Parents: Learning Each Other’s Language
Even after 45 years of marriage, clear communication was a challenge for my parents. After years of requests, my father finally agreed with my mom to see a therapist. Their communication turned around for them.
My mom’s accounting of a significant session, impressed upon me to not make assumptions.
Do I always understand what someone means with what they are saying? So many words have multiple meanings, even nuances. What does the message actually mean? Usually, it’s the filter of our experiences that affects our understanding.
In that notable session, my parents initiated a new journey, to learn one another’s language. My mom related this example: The phrase, “Just the other day…” for my mom meant maybe a week or so, at a stretch maybe a month ago. For my dad, that meant up to two years ago! My dad is not alone in this paradigm. Others in workshops which I’ve lead with an exercise to strengthen communication skills, have agreed with my dad’s answer. Surprising?
These days, I have found it most interesting to inquire further of others when I’m not sure what someone intends by a particular phrase or word.
Say your housemate or partner says, “I’m on my way home” and the distance is a 20-25 minute drive away, including the possibility of traffic. However, “on my way home” may signify… ONE, I’m in the car and about to start my route or TWO, I’m gathering my things, having a conversation with a colleague, and stopping on my way home to pick up some food. The latter might take up to an hour. Has this happened to you, applying your definition to a phrase to find out that someone else has a different interpretation?
It was through experiences of occasional frustrations, sometimes judgements, and disappointments that I finally learned that my definition of this phrase was not the same as Tom’s, my husband of over 40 years. It’s never too late to learn.
February 16th is my parent’s anniversary. There’s no better time to honor them and for the many lessons I learned from them. This one in particular: Ask questions to learn each other’s language.
More on clarifying communication, next time.
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