Expect the Unexpected

Let Go and Embrace What May Arise

Are you at the helm of a rowboat or a canoe? Do you look back to move forward as in a rowboat or do you look forward as you paddle in a canoe?

We can move forward in looking back; learn from our experiences and welcome fresh understandings. 

Fresh life comes from compost. I witness this regularly with our small, yet  productive worm bin that provides “worm tea” and nutritious soil for our garden.

Keep the treasures of traditions and release the baggage of problematic patterns.

Whichever metaphor of the new and old appeals to you, reflect on which parts of your past benefits your potential for a favorable future and which parts to let go of and which to embrace …

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Learning Each Other’s Language

A Tribute to my Parents: Learning Each Other’s Language 

Even after 45 years of marriage, clear communication was a challenge for my parents. After years of requests, my father finally agreed with my mom to see a therapist. Their communication turned around for them. 

My mom’s accounting of a significant session,  impressed upon me to not make assumptions. 

Do I always understand what someone means with what they are saying? So many words have multiple meanings, even nuances. What does the message actually mean? Usually, it’s the filter of our experiences that affects our understanding.

In that notable session, my parents initiated a new journey, to learn one another’s language. My mom related this example: The phrase, “Just the other day…” for my mom meant maybe a week or so, at a stretch maybe a month ago. For my dad, that meant up to two years ago! My dad is not alone in this paradigm. Others in workshops which I’ve lead with an exercise to strengthen communication skills, have agreed with my dad’s answer. Surprising?

These days, I have found it most interesting to inquire further of others when I’m not sure what someone intends by a particular phrase or word. 

Say your housemate or partner says, “I’m on my way home” and the distance is a 20-25 minute drive away, including the possibility of traffic. However, “on my way home” may signify… ONE, I’m in the car and about to start my route or TWO, I’m gathering my things, having a conversation with a colleague, and stopping on my way home to pick up some food. The latter might take up to an hour. Has this happened to you, applying your definition to a phrase to find out that someone else has a different interpretation?

It was through experiences of occasional frustrations, sometimes judgements, and disappointments that I finally learned that my definition of this phrase was not the same as Tom’s, my husband of over 40 years. It’s never too late to learn.

In honor of my parents and for the many lessons I learned from them. This one in particular: Ask questions to learn each other’s language.

More on clarifying communication, next time.

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Transformative Affirmations

Not only is it beneficial to consider another’s perspective, it is also significant when you accept and even affirm it which can transform the moment and your relationship.

This really hit home when it happened to me, just the other day. 

My husband, Tom, and I have been riding a scooter for the past 7 years. It has over 14,000 miles on it. We use it as our second car. I have always ridden behind him when we are together.  

As on many other trips, recently we were driving into downtown Santa Cruz. Our main access road is on Broadway. This time was different. Even though Tom was sticking to the speed limit, driving down the center of our lane, I felt those bumps. Not speed bumps, just bumps due to previous construction work. They were jarring. When I commented on them, Tom acknowledged how I would feel them more than he because I was sitting over the back tire. 

I felt affirmed. He understood and confirmed my point of view, different than his, while I sat only inches behind him. 

It doesn’t take much to affirm others. Although, we may not understand someone else’s outlook or experience, we can simply acknowledge it. It doesn’t mean that we agree. 

More on learning on understanding one another’s language. In the meantime, take a moment to reflect on when and how you affirm others and respect each other’s perspective.

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Square Peg in a Round Hole?

A square peg doesn’t work in a round hole, right? Yet I find myself fighting the obvious. It’s like trying to convince someone of an opposing point of view to change their mind.

“Can we agree to disagree?” I’d rather this than not be on speaking terms which could happen. It’s such a loss. I believe we can learn a great deal from those with whom we disagree. Otherwise, we can end up in our own “echo chamber.”

When gathering with family members, some find themselves with some who hold contrary opinions. This can be challenging. Ever find yourself thinking that your rebuttals will change their mind? Not usually.

I have found that if I set my own agenda aside, it allows me to listen and ask clarifying questions. If it’s a question of safety, I’ll speak up. Otherwise, if I do share an opinion, it’s not with the intent to change the other person’s ideas. For someone to consider a different opinion, they have to feel heard, first. 

Here’s a great quote: “You can’t change people by punishing them for being who they are. So just accept them.” Terry McMillan

More next time on the effects of affirmations…

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Who Really Knows?

“Do you think that you have a “know-it-all” attitude?” I was asked this by a colleague whom I had only met a few years ago. She was surprised by my response: “Yes, it had once been my style to come across with such arrogance.” I’m grateful to trusted friends who had genuinely shared with a sensitive approach that this had been so. I began to realize that my attitude intimidated others and limited my connections. I learned the hard way that to truly listening to others was close to impossible if I “knew it all”.

In my last post, “Is There a Right Way?” you may have engaged in discussions around “points of view”. (Recall the plates, whether right side up or not?) Have you noticed how varied perspectives can be?

Now, let’s consider how to cultivate an approach of listening to others, especially if they think differently than you. Sometimes it takes a seemingly unrelated  experience to jar a fixed approach. 

One of my favorite challenges for team building in conflict resolution workshops I lead is “Nailed It”. (No, not the popular bake-off comedy show.) The task is to balance as many 4” nails on the head of one 4” nail, nailed securely in a block of wood. Seems impossible at first, just like some perspectives you hear and say to yourself, “I can’t believe people think like this.” 

Thinking out of the box, trying different strategies, and being open minded to creative solutions, it can be done, balancing dozens of nails on the head of one single nail.

“Keep learning: don't be arrogant by assuming that you know it all, that you have a monopoly on the truth; always assume that you can learn something from someone else." Jack Welch

Notice how being open-minded to ideas and varying perspectives can broaden understanding and connections.

Next time, some more ideas about active listening. 

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Is There a Right Way?

Is There a Right Way?

With 3 brothers and a sister, you can imagine that my dad experienced arguments with his siblings. However as adults this changed. A simple phrase seemed to level the playing field. One of my uncles stated in the midst of a heated discussion, “Ça dépend du point de vue.” (Whether you know French or not, you probably got it…It depends on the point of view.) The argument ended.

This struck me as I’ve expanded my perspectives. I used to think that everyone thought like me…what? No, they don’t. Obvious, right. Well, not necessarily as in my case. 

The bottom line is that our experiences influence our perspectives…and we all have had varying experiences.

With the more recent conversations around biases, awareness is broadening. Thankfully. Even though I might be able to shift my outlook, it’s limited. I’ve learn to accept this. So as I proceed in my interactions, especially with those whose background is a stark difference from mine, I’m all ears, curious, intrigued, eager to appreciate our differences . I open my world to possibilities for noteworthy insights. Connections grow.

For a fun exercise in looking with new eyes, try this puzzle in the image. It reminds me of how with earnest awareness led with an attitude of inquisitiveness, I am grateful for new outlooks. I can also laugh at myself for ever thinking that you think like I do. 

More on perspectives, next time. In the meantime, share this exercise with others and engage in vibrant conversations, listening for diverse points of view.

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Pitfalls of Assumptions

I catch myself making assumptions, sometimes on a daily basis. It’s startling! Does this happen for you? Maybe you’re making guesses on what you are about to read.

We can avoid the pitfalls of assumptions. The result will be greater authenticity. It’s easier to be present when we are open to interactions, setting assumptions aside.

The first 3 letters in the word assumption poignantly point to how I feel when I assume. Why not just ask? There’s no need to overthink situations.  

When on a walk, I came upon this tree in the photo. I appreciated the textures and colors. It was a great reminder to take in its beauty and not try to figure out what had happened.

I’ve assumed that someone would not be available because they are going through some health issues or they might be really busy. Or, I have assumed that someone is rich because of the holiday decorations they had out. (More on this in a future article.)

Since assumptions can blind our view, change your perspective. Change an assumption to an opportunity to ask questions and learn more about others. 

Lead with curiosity setting aside judgments. This will lead to more authentic, healthy relationships. 

If I do make assumptions, I try to assume the best. Everyone is doing their best. 

Here’s a recent quote a friend shared: 

“The Six Assumptions: *Assume you are guarded and loved at all times, and worry not. *Assume everything's happening for your benefit, and fret not. *Assume everyone you meet is doing his or her best, and judge not.  *Assume you're good enough, always, and doubt not. *Assume that the next step is the right one, and falter not. *Assume all is well, and fear not.” 

Cash Peters, Why Your Life Matters

More on the being stuck with the “right way” next time. In the meantime, practice switching any assumptions to favorable outcomes. It’ll make a difference in how you connect with others and how you think of them. 

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Imagined Conversations

Have you ever “played out” conversations that never happened? 

The songbirds in this tree are warbling, changing their tune when a crow visits them. Are they feeling threatened, signaling to others their apprehensions or standing their ground with their affirmative call? While observing the feathered activity which is so foreign to me, I realize that I’m fabricating a story in my mind. 

I catch myself doing this frequently…not so much with birds… with friends, family, even strangers. I imagine conversations. Are they thinking about me? The next time I see this person, what will I say? If I act a certain way, will they approve or disapprove?

To what end is this mental chattering? Is it in harmony with being present with others? How is this an obstacle to authenticity and avoiding judgements? Am I giving others the benefit of the doubt? Am I giving myself compassionate messagesWith greater awareness, as these imagined conversations creep in, I’ve been directing them elsewhere. Why? Because I really have no idea what is going on for others. I listen attentively, invite questions, and authentically dialogue by not making assumptions or guessing what others are thinking.

More on assumptions, next time. In the meantime, be aware of your imagined conversations and how setting them aside promotes your authenticity. Share this with others in your life.

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Differences Bring Connection

How to Transform Obstacles

I had heard from a neighbor that another neighbor was not happy with holiday decorations I had installed on our lamp posts around our common area. I had done so to bring cheer during our winter months. I had been encouraged and complimented by many other neighbors. I had mixed feelings.

The “offended” neighbor had actually taken down the decorations. My first reaction was, “What’s their problem?” Not my best self. I was coming from a background that if my intentions are good, it must be okay. Others should understand. 

Upon reflection and a desire to turn a potential confrontation into a possible connection, I decided to meet the upset neighbor, having an open mind to learn her perspective. I changed my internal conversation and approached the situation with curiosity, not a dualistic right or wrong attitude, a default to which I have succumb easily in the past. 

I was a bit nervous when I first approached her door, especially since one neighbor had warned me that, “She can be a bit difficult, if you know what I mean,” wishing me good luck. However, “she” had written a message on the  lamp post with a kind request. 

I knocked on the door, introduced myself, and asked how she was doing. I explained how I was here to learn her perspective on the holiday decorations. She offered an alternative to have blue and white colors in recognition of Hanukkah. I had no idea. What an easy fix. We agreed that I would purchase the ribbon and install it. By the way, it isn’t as easy to find these colors!

It was a wonderful interchange. A few days later, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers with an invitation for us to have dinner together (once Covid restrictions allow for this.) I was pleasantly surprised.  

I have been inspired by this experience and I hope you are as well and can take steps towards transforming obstacles into opportunities for connection.

For more information on communication, bias awareness, and conflict resolution visit www.tlcpathways.com

The Gifts of 2020

The Gifts of 2020 

I’m taking inventory of the gifts I received in 2020 before welcoming 2021. Looking back, there were many that no other year has brought to me. Shifting the paradigm of “goodbye (or in some cases good riddance) to 2020, I’m choosing to focus on the hindsight of 2020. 

Here are just a few of the gifts which come immediately to mind: connections - more of them and with greater sincerity; acceptance - of what I can’t control…Oh, the many times I had to make good of the unexpected; boundaries - prioritizing what’s important to me - limiting my news intake; realizations and actions - for social justice; forgiveness - we are all doing are best; insights - from wisdom leaders; patience - for a loved one to heal from the virus… patience with one another as we stay “safe at home”; hope - for future travel, hugs, and seeing the smiles behind the masks…they are there; and trust - it really will work out in the end. “All will be well.”

It is through the adversities of 2020 that I’ve gained these gifts. In welcoming 2021, I want to be sure to take these with me and avoid some of the “traps” I was in, in the “normal” times. I hope that you’ll join me in changing the paradigm of 2020 - yes, it was a most challenging year, however, 2020 has had a great deal to offer. What are the gifts you gained from this past year?

The Gift of Acceptance

“Two Seconds of Sadness…Sometimes that’s all it takes!”

“If you do not transform your pain, you will most assuredly transmit it." 

Richard Rohr

As we come to the close of 2020, I invite you to a practice I know as Let it Out  and CHEER. Before you can "let it out", it being your anger, or pain, or disappointments, you acknowledge and accept them. My default for a long time has been to try to change or deny feelings altogether. The result was a cycle of more pain and pain inflicted on others in my attempt to rid myself of it. 

Acceptance, especially of what we don't have control over, allows us to eventually move beyond. This is also true of accepting and acknowledging others without attempting to fix, to change, or to minimize someone’s situation. As a friend shared with me in a recent phone call, “Two seconds of sadness is all I needed and wanted.” Truly listen to your feelings and genuinely listen to others.

Once recognized, our feelings or those of others – especially the difficult ones (the "Let it Out") then we can CHEER, being open to the silver linings, the benefits. This process can’t be forced. It’s often preceded by a time of not embracing the pain and realizing the results, that you can reap the benefits of sincerely acknowledging those uncomfortable feelings. It’s freeing!

For more insight on acceptance, I encourage you to read this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201508/how-acceptance-can-transform-your-life.

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A Benevolent Community

26 Days of Cultivating A Benevolent Community 

While we look forward to our cities “opening up”, how might we incorporate what we have learned to appreciate over the past few months, into our day-to-day lives … nurturing compassionate relationships, prioritizing our values, and acknowledging gratitudes. Habits have been altered as we practice safe measures for care of   others, visibly by wearing masks.

We have an opportunity to change our “invisible habits”, leading our lives with empathy, balance, reflection, kindness, and trust. I have 21 others, key words to guide us day-by-day. “Bit-by-Bit”, one act to practice or witness each day and share with others. 

Beginning June 1st, join me in 26 days of cultivating A Benevolent Community. Daily, I’ll be posting a letter with some key words to use as an anchor for the day. Share with others, how you practice or how you witness this in action. 

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Growing OUT of the Box

Creative Ideas for New Beginnings

It’s one thing to think out of the box. Imagine growing out of the box or out of your comfort zone. Haven’t we had to experience this recently? So how to make the best of these times. Acceptance, Trust, and Community have been essential for me. 

We don’t generally invite obstacles, challenges, or hurdles to leap over. However, my experiences have led me to know that great growth occurs once acceptance and trust are present. My community of friends and family have supported me during difficult moments. And in these current times, that community has grown tremendously with neighbors, friends, and the many thought leaders who have made available great resources. Individually and globally, we have an opportunity to cultivate care for one another and our world. Just as our planet is benefitting from the clean air and slower pace, let’s elevate our relationships as global citizens.

We can adapt. We have adapted. Opportunities for new beginnings have emerged. It is up to us to embrace new beginnings. 

We can alter our story and change our questions. For example, what has NOT been cancelled? How have our lives changed for the better? What have been the advantages of Shelter in Place? What lessons and new habits, might we adopt for our future? We can implement these bit by bit. (More on that soon.)

Share what commitments you want to make to contribute to a better life, not only for our own sake, but for our neighbors across the globe, and future generations.

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Reviving Singing Telegrams

Bringing Joy through Simple Gestures

Finding ways to bring joy to others is a powerful pathway in which both the giver and receiver benefit from the relationship. (Source below.) The brain science affirming this is outstanding. Our personal experiences reinforce this, too.

Eighty-seven years ago, singing telegrams were conceived of by George Oslin as an alternative to the association of a telegram only with death or other tragic news. Singing telegrams were first delivered in person since many people did not have a telephone.

Several years ago, small groups of children from my upper elementary class offered singing telegrams for Mother’s Day. I was on the call which my mom and aunt received from one of those groups. The joy on my mom and aunt’s face has stayed with me all these years. 

Join me in reviving the tradition of singing telegrams! Share with the children, young and old, who are looking for what to do in the day when going out is limited. Reach out to the elderly, in particular, who may not be allowed to leave their apartment. 

Consider some of Ella Fitzgerald’s hits like “I Want to be Happy” or “Blue Skies” or “Accentuate the Positive”. If you are not inclined to sing, then find a recording of a favorite song and just play it.

Join me in circulating around the globe the gift of song, renewing former trends, and spreading joy, particularly appreciated during these challenging times.

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The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. --Thich Nhat Hanh

Tender Loving Self-Care

Taking Care of Ourselves to Take Care of Others

We’ve all heard the advice about the importance of taking care of ourselves, especially if we are caregivers. It’s easier said than done. I believe that we can support one another in this endeavor. 

Gathering rich resources from top-notch organizations, Here are some feasible ideas for adding to your self-care, that are simple and instant practices, no more than 20 to 30 seconds at a time. Choose just one at a time to implement throughout your day to reduce stress and enrich your energy so that you may be your best self.

* Change every day activities to moments of intentions 

Mindfulness practices encourage us to have greater awareness of anything and everything. Here’s a variation. Take daily actions: climbing a set of stairs, brushing teeth, washing hands, hanging up clothes AND identify a hope with it: reconciliation, patience, unity, love, peace…for others or yourself. When I hang up my bathrobe in the morning, I think of the love in my life and I close the closet door thinking of peace in the world.

* Add daily gratitudes

Choose a consistent, specific place to recognize your gratitudes. Let that place jog your memory: your front door, your kitchen sink, your dining room table. There’s lots of brain research acknowledging the positive benefits of expressing gratitudes on a regular basis. Just developing a habit of acknowledging your gratitudes can go a long way.

* Breathe

Focus on your breath, something we can do anytime, anywhere…it’s a matter of remembering to do so! When I do, it helps me to be calm which reduces my stress. Consider taking time during your commute to work, school, or to the store to “breathe”. 

* Use the Kidpower®️ Screen

Imagine a window screen. “It’s meant to keep out bugs, but let in fresh air. Use this image to help you create an emotional screen to filter the information you take in from the news, social media, and even friends and family.” For more safety ideas read, “Stay Safe in your Imagination” at https://www.kidpower.org/library/article/stay-safe-in-your-imagination/

For those of you with young ones at home, consider reading the news, instead of listening to it on the radio or watching the news on TV.

* Be present

This one has been a challenge for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I haven’t liked surprises so I catch myself wanting to make plans, foreseeing the future. Being aware of this, I now remind myself how often the plans that I have anticipated rarely  become what I have imagined. Repeatedly, I’m pleasantly surprised.  

Perhaps you have ideas which you have found successful for self-care. We can gain insights from one another. Add to this post or add on social media.

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Kitchen Personalities

A Fun Way to Get to Know Each Other

We can nurture relationships and build more trust and the outcome for all is beneficial. Learning more about one another makes a difference. “I learned the hard way” is not the best avenue. There are alternatives. Here’s one…

Gather your group together, be they family, work colleagues, or friends…this is best with at least 5 or up to 30 plus.  Actually, there is no limit!

Gather a bunch of kitchen utensils (optional). Spread them out. Then ask the question: If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and WHY? It’s the “why” which is revealing as people tend to relate the use of the utensil to one of their favorable characteristics. (BTW, if someone feels too limited by a utensil, then suggest, anything in the kitchen or in the house/office for that matter.)

Here are some responses from various workshops and gatherings…(I did this with a new group of friends and we ended up playing the spoons together.) I’d be…

a can opener because I like to get deeper inside of things

a metal spatula as I like to turn things around to have a new perspective

a sifter to be able to separate what’s important from what’s not

a wooden scrub brush because I like things to be neat and tidy

a bottle opener because I like to have a good time

an herb grinder because I like to add more flavor to situations

a wooden spoon since I like to mix things up

Point of Interest…I give credit to my family for this activity. A couple of years ago, I was informed that my name, “Maryse” was associated with a kitchen utensil… a spatula, a special one, used with pastries. It was coined after Maryse De Monpetit, a pastry chef from the royal court of Francois I, 16th century. 

Since learning this about my name, our family asked one another the question. I like to collect good ideas and pass them along. So what kitchen utensil would you be and WHY? Add in comments!

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Boost Beneficial Conflict Outcomes

Successful Conflict Resolution Tips

Do you avoid conflict or are you ready to put up a flight or somewhere in between?

Look back at a most recent conflict. Do you wish you had handled it differently? Many a time, I wish I had. What can make a difference? Our approach, our authentic expression, our adaptability, and our commitment to enhancing our relationships.

Our prior experiences with conflict shape our approach which may be beneficial or detrimental to the outcomes. Implement some simple steps to ensure a positive result. 

* Go directly to the person(s) involved to solve the problem. Avoid going to others, complicating the problem.

* Be open to diverse perspectives

* Be conscientious of your unjust judgements

* Be committed to attentive listening

* Be trusting

* Be encouraged by the benefits of resolving conflicts

Focusing on the potential favorable consequences of finding solutions to disagreements will affect our interactions towards nurturing more compassionate relationships. 

Benefits to conflict resolution: 

     provides a catalyst to improved relationships

          expands personal growth and insight

               broadens exposure to new ideas

                    honors and fulfills needs

encourages authenticity

Practicing active listening, paraphrasing, bias awareness, perspective taking, and communication skills, removed from the actual conflict, presents possibilities to implement enhanced skills when discord arises. Role playing through conflict skits (photo of ideas used in workshops with students) fosters our realization of the intricacies of relationships and provides opportunities to refine our interactions.

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Precious Moments

Precious Moments

It takes such a short amount of time, and only a little effort, and will reduce our stress levels, and yet, how often do we recognize the precious moments which occur on a daily basis?

There is mounting research that indicates the power of reducing our stress level by being grateful, and taking time to recognizing others in a positive way. In addition, deep breathing and quiet time can activate our parasympathetic nervous system, reducing our heart rate, and helps us to be more relaxed.

Whenever I’m at the check out stand, while waiting for “Processing Approved”, I make it a point to chat with the cashier, asking about their day or sharing a compliment. I usually am met with care and attention. That precious moment is a wonderful connection which makes a difference in my relationships.  

Isn’t it ironic that just when we feel we don’t have time to add anything to our daily tasks, that taking time to notice what is precious to us, acknowledging others or sitting quietly for even just 5 minutes to breathe deeply makes us healthier and happier? Who doesn’t want that?

Join me in making a daily practice to notice or create precious moments, no matter how busy we think you are.

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A Cloudburst of Perspectives

Lessons from the Rain

When rain comes pouring down, is that a good thing or not for you? When a recent rainstorm hit California over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I heard many share that although it made for more challenging travel plans, we needed the rain. We had had almost no rain for about six months.

Our perspective with rain and everything else is dependent on our experiences and how we think about them. Our daughter was born in the first year of a five year drought. She had had very little experiences with rain like stomping in puddles or wearing rain gear. One afternoon, while traveling along the highway on a stormy day, she asked why the rain would suddenly turn off and on. We were confused by her question at first, she then exclaimed, “There, it just did it again.” We had passed under a bridge!

Perspective taking in the moment can vary dramatically for each person’s point of view. With time, there is a benefit of potential reflection, offering a greater awareness of a situation. The ways in which we think about our past experiences can either help or hinder broader insights. With self-reflection, we can appreciate both our own point of view and that of another person.

When I catch myself having made a judgement and subsequently learn of another’s viewpoint, I’m reminded time again, not everyone thinks like me! Or has the same experience as me. What?!? Rationally, this makes sense, however, I continue to be stretched to expand my outlook.

When confronted with a conflict due to a clash in perspectives, I have found it helpful to ask inviting questions, with a sense of curiosity such as, “How does this make you feel?” or “For how long have you been feeling this way?” Or restate what your understanding of a situation is with, “I’m hearing that you are upset about…. Am I getting this right?” These questions offer the opportunity for beneficial clarification for myself and potentially for others as it can help them develop insight into their situation.

In order to connect with others, let’s move beyond our initial feelings or impressions. Consider avoiding a predictable thought pattern. Learn more about yourself as you discover a different vantage point.

Learn more about perspective taking and its importance in nurturing compassionate relationships within a conflict resolution workshop. Send an Email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com to set up a workshop.

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