An Authentic Apology

Forgiveness is a Gift

How does it feel to receive a sincere apology? For me, the integrity of the relationship is restored, trust is re-established, and a meaningful connection is deepened. So why can apologies be difficult to express or why may they be ineffective? A person may fear being vulnerable, not wanting to be blamed, or avoiding an embarrassing situation. Another potential obstacle may be how we were raised to give an apology.

Photo by juan pablo rodriguez on Unsplash

Maybe you’ve heard adults say to a young child, “Say, you're sorry”. Is this successful? Coerced apologies usually fail to convey authenticity. For those of us working with children, we have the opportunity to demonstrate the components of an authentic apology. The following points are keys for the young and old.

• Share an apology once you are ready to express remorse.

• State your wrongdoing, taking responsibility.

• Offer to right the wrong, making mutually accepted agreements.

• Make a commitment to not repeat the misconduct.

In a recent workshop with elementary children, I was asked how to best give an apology. A key is to recognize and express the misdeed. Essential words are: “I’m sorry for…” It’s crucial that a person clearly identify [for what it is specifically] they are apologetic.

Refrain from using a “but” as this retracts taking responsibility for the misconduct and can put the blame on someone or something else. 

Sincere apologies have many benefits. There is opportunity for restitution, making deeper connections, boosting confidence, strengthening credibility, and nurturing compassionate relationships. An authentic apology is an essential element of conflict resolution.

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Shifting Stereotypes

Sesame Street Shifts Stereotypes 

Celebrating 50 years, Sesame Street is a champion in stamping out stereotypes and dealing with diversity through its many muppet characters who depict the wide range of people of our world. What’s not to love in our most favorite? 

It has been with intention that Sesame Street producers creatively introduced to its worldwide audiences the array of similarities and differences which we have with one another. Take for example some of these characters we meet: Rosita, the bilingual muppet who teaches Latin American culture and language; Kami who brings awareness to the HIV/AIDS epidemic in South Africa; Mahboub, an Arab-Israeli muppet who speaks both Arabic and Hebrew; Tarah, a nine-year old girl who performs wheelchair ballet; Lily who faces food insecurity; and Julia who encourages us to be more sensitive and empathetic to those with autism. Presenting these characters and many others as members of our every day communities has made a difference in influencing the young and old to reduce prejudices. 

There are a flurry of “anti-bias” and diversity trainings happening in the work force in many fields from schools to corporations. Despite the great value in bringing awareness through trainings, it is through getting to know others who are different from ourselves whereby we can dissolve the stereotypes we have. Researcher and author, Jennifer Eberhard, writes in her recently published book, Biased, “We know that close relationships with people unlike ourselves - at school, at work, at church, in neighborhoods - can help mute the impact of prejudice and blur group boundaries.” (I highly recommend this book!)

And yes, we all have biases. From a very youthful age, as young as 6 months, babies are aware of skin color. Studies show that the “color blind” message, that is, if you don’t think about race, you won’t be biased… has backfired, hindering our progress towards greater equality. Our approach to others of a different skin color or any other “difference” for that matter, can bear a positive influence for future generations. Let’s be the agents of change to honor one another just like Sesame Street’s characters do. 

For fun, chime in to share your favorite clip from Sesame Street in honor of their 50th Anniversary.

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https://www.history.com/news/8-stereotype-shattering-sesame-street-characters

Do You Evoke Ubuntu?

We All Belong to Each Other

A friend shared with me the concept of Ubuntu. It’s a practice worth spreading! Recently, I read the story of the group of young children who joined arms to run together towards a prize of candy which was meant for the fastest runner. They were practicing ubuntu naturally as part of their culture.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s explains his understanding of Ubuntu: “Africans have a thing called Ubuntu. We believe that a person is a person through other persons, that my humanity is caught up, bound up, inextricably, with yours. When I dehumanize you, I inexorably dehumanize myself. The solitary human being is a contradiction in terms. Therefore you seek to work for the common good because your humanity comes into its own in the community, in belonging.”*

Each community we are a part of, relies on our contributions, great or small. Simply our presence can make a difference. Consider your participation in the various communities which you are a part of… family, clubs, interest groups, work, boards, sports affiliations, your city, your country… You are a part of each of these and each is a part of you.

Besides practicing Ubuntu, how else can we build stronger communities? Communication is a key. Influenced by a new class I’m attending, I’ve been considering authentic communication. When am I impulsively speaking out of a reaction or my conditioned responses? How can I create a safe space for others to share authentically and I practice active listening?

I invite you to spread the idea of Ubuntu and find ways to practice it in your communities, with attention to the ways of communicating with one another.

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* photo & quote credit https://www.tusharvakil.com/2018/04/27/do-you-have-ubuntu/

How is a Community Like a Wheel?

Interconnections in our Communities

The wheel is a metaphor for the structure of a community. Imagine that each spoke represents a person in the community. The spokes joining at the hub provides strength, stability, and ease in moving the society along. The hub is what connects each individual. Each person is interdependent as are the spokes of the wheel. Should one spoke break, then the wheel no longer moves forward smoothly.  By contrast, one strong spoke can help support the rest of the group. Think of peace advocates who have impacted your life. The influence of the individual is significant.

Build a sense of community with each group you are a part of. For years, I introduced many team building activities within the first weeks of the school year. These proved to be beneficial when our class faced difficult decisions together. Since I had introduced the idea of how our community was like a wheel, solutions that we considered would weigh in on what was best for the group. Sometimes discussions on compromise would arise. The goal is to find Win-Win solutions. 

To unpack this metaphor further, we discuss how the hub at the center is what brings the community together. The children identify the different communities they are a part of…family, sport teams, clubs, classes, city, country, even the world. We are members of multiple communities to which we have an allegiance. 

At times, children from the same classroom found themselves playing on opposing sides of a team sport. The question would arise, to which community is your strongest allegiance? Doesn’t this happen for adults whose family members are from a different church, a different political perspective, or have different values. Regardless of these separate communities, we are all members of the human race, a community as a whole. We are different and we are one.

When I am the broken spoke or the one supporting others so that the wheel moves steadily, I’ve found the Golden Rule to be my guiding principle.

As J.K. Rowling writes, “We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” 

For more ideas about building community, send an Email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com to set up a workshop.

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If You Really Knew Me...

Get to Know Each Other in Surprising Ways

How do you build trust? A key element to nurturing relationships is to get to know one another which leads to greater trust. I have shared with hundreds of children and adults alike this simple, fun activity. I thought that this activity would be a timely one with many of you beginning a new school year. 

Most people know that I’m an educator, I’m married, I have two children, and I speak French fluently (although I was not born in France, despite rumors I have heard). However, when I’ve introduced this initiative with groups, many learn more about me. For example, twice I have helped to raise a Lanner falcon. (The photo was taken in our home.) Altogether, I’ve had eleven teeth extracted. I prefer chilled water with no ice. I have grown Yuzu citrus plants from seed. I love to read historical fiction, despite having struggled as a child with reading. I have not traveled to the continents of Africa nor Australia  . . . oh, and I should add Antartica, yet!

If you are part of a group which meets on a regular basis, you can repeat this activity . Or, you can just go around once as a way to get to know others within a new group.

Here’s how it works: Describe to the group that each person will share their response to the statement: “If you really knew me, you would know that… “ Responses are personal, however, not private…something of interest. Be ready for laughter and surprises!

And yes, this can be repeated over and over with the same group. I first learned of this activity from a group of dedicated camp counselors at the Mosaic Project. At the end of each day, they would share something with one another as a way to begin their debriefing session, reflecting on the day and the campers in their care. Even after many months of camp, they still had illuminating facts to exchange with one another.

When we get to know others better, we improve our relationships. We can appreciate varying experiences and perspectives. 

To learn more about other activities to help nurture compassionate relationships, send me an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com

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Positive Thinking

The Power of Positivity

How we overcome obstacles, makes a difference. For his many accomplishments,  Henry Ford had as many if not more hurdles to overcome. He was raised on a farm, along with his seven siblings. At the youthful age of 15, he built his first steam engine. He disliked farm work, a motivating factor for his eight mile walk to Detroit at the age of 16, to find work in a machine shop. Some think that he invented the automobile or assembly line. However, he did neither. He developed and manufactured the first affordable automobile. Ford overcame many, many obstacles, and has to his name 161 unique patents. Another famous quote of his, “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.”

Some years ago, a friend said to me, “Be careful what you tell yourself.” I find myself remembering this when negative thoughts creep in.

Fostering a positive attitude makes a difference in our overall health. Reframing our challenges is a first step. Visualize possibilities by changing your language, using the “Power of Yet” (see Feb.1st blog). Journaling daily gratitudes has been known to impact our thoughts favorably. Warren Buffet stated that one of his keys to happiness is to surround himself with positive people. Approaching 90, he continues to be active, going to work regularly. He describes as another key to happiness…to be passionate about the work you do. These principles resonate with me.

Take some time to consider how you can expand your positive outlook. We can train our brain in a relatively short amount of time to permanently raise levels of happiness. Join me on this quest. 

To learn more about developing positive, nurturing relationships, within an interactive, uniquely designed workshop, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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See the Beauty

How You See Things Makes a Difference 

Nature’s beauty is appreciated by many. Humans live within this beauty, however, the changes we impose are not always considered beautiful. I see evidence of this as I look down below from 30,000 feet high. I am called to see the beauty in the people around me. This has had its challenges for me with people who look different, people I don’t know, and people with whom I disagree.

Maybe I’ve treated people like songs on a radio station? With some songs I turn up the volume up high and “rock out”. Then there are others which within a nanosecond, I switch stations. People are as varied as styles of music. However, we don’t always have the luxury of tuning out those with whom we have challenges. 

On a recent trip across the states, I used the shuffle mode on the music playlist which is comprised of Tom, my husband’s, downloads. Instead of catching up on some sleep as I expected, I chose to listen to whatever came up, as I was inspired. I didn’t envy my seat mates, folks from Vietnam, as I found myself practically dancing in my seat, trying to be discreet Ha! I believe the smiles we exchanged meant that “All is well”. 

Many of the downloaded songs I had never heard before. Some were from our adult children and others collected by Tom, maybe from “hanging out” with the teenagers he teaches. Being exposed to this great variety, I have been pleasantly amazed to discover a song which might initially sound dissonant, to be catchy or have inspirational lyrics.

Then Peter, Paul and Mary’s El Salvador plays. It’s a song of my past, yet the lyrics still ring true — too true. I’m so pained, brought to tears, by how we are treating immigrants today. Our nation is made up of immigrants or children of immigrants as I am. “Who put this price on their liberty?” they sing.

Then randomly the shuffled playlist selects Moonlight Sonata for me and takes me back to the many times I practiced it on the piano to try to master this classic. It’s soothing. Perhaps it’s time for that rest, resting with the faith in people to do right by one another. As Aretha Franklin hails us to have R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 

Like the varied landscape below me, traveling across our country, the assortment of music on my phone, the diversity of people on this flight, all and everyone has its beauty to appreciate. I commit to personally treat those I encounter with lenses looking for their inner beauty and listen to any music, willing to be delightfully surprised. 

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The Benefits of Civility

Civil Discourse Opens Doors

From our constitution’s preamble, “We the People” are called to “form a more perfect Union”. And how do we best go about this?

First, let’s consider that the “we” implies that it is a task for all of us. “The more perfect Union” is subject for interpretation, however, its outcome is to benefit each of the individuals of our nation, of our world, who are part of the whole. I interpret this as to have the civil obligation to participate, being a contributing citizen, out of concern and commitment to the entire population. This poses a paradox of our individual commitments to be for the good of the nation. 

Earnest dialogue is essential, however, my sense from what I read is that our national conversation is in conflict. Some are choosing to sever relationships due to opposing points of view. I believe this is a loss. Agreement is not a crucial element of a healthy relationship. 

P.M. Forni states in his article, Why civility is necessary for the survival of society, that “The harmonious relationships that civility helps foster have a positive impact on our overall well-being.” He further explains John Moulton’s concept of the “realm of the unenforceable” wherein “our actions are influenced by our sense of what is the proper, responsible, and decent thing to do.” We can make a difference with our actions, particularly those not governed by laws, but by self-regulation. 

We are the stewards of our nation, of our world. Forni, also affirms, “Humans are the most social of all earth's creatures. We constantly connect and relate. If life is a relational experience, then its quality is, to a considerable extent, measured against the quality of our relationships.”

Let’s work together to improve our relationships, engage in conversations to understand one another, (not trying to change someone’s opinion), and promote civility nationally and globally with our daily exchanges.

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Balance for All

Lead with Justice for All

 Do you remember playing Tug of War, two teams on opposing sides pulling with all their might to win the other team over to their side? This is taking on the viewpoint that power is like weights in a balance whereby no one gains power without someone else losing power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our perspective.

Years ago, I was introduced with an alternative game, Tug of Peace, with two opposing teams pulling on the rope, but teams win when the center of the rope hovers over a designated spot. If one side shows greater strength, some switch sides to create an equilibrium, keeping the center balanced. The challenge is to see how long this balance of strength can be maintained in working together.

At the root of many interpersonal and worldwide conflicts is the struggle for greater power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our approach. We can fortify one another’s power without others losing theirs. Working together, we can affirm each other and as a result earn one another’s trust. In resolving conflicts, we can reach greater understanding, respect, and compassion. We can experience the balance of control when, letting go of our own agenda, taking on the perspective of the other and reaching mutual agreed upon solutions. In this way, we find win-win results. 

Let us be judicious in our own lives so that we do not have the need for greater power at the expense of others. Let us begin with our interpersonal relationships to find this balance so that it may affect the worldwide struggles, creating an appreciable sense of justice.

To learn more about building greater balance in our relationships and the workshops which I offer, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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An Appreciation for Clashes

Nature’s Paintbrush

Do colors clash? Not if we look in nature! However, we can expect that personalities may clash. We can transform this friction with some effective alternatives. 

First, do know, when dealing with people, it’s to be expected that we get along more easily with some rather than others. Challenging encounters need greater thoughtfulness to reduce the tension. Eventually with implementing considerate approaches, clashes lessen. 

Consider why personality conflicts arise. Our expectations, differences of opinions, values, or some other underlying issue is usually at the root. These are based in our own experiences which are unlike anyone else’s. Getting to know a person better, helps us to understand varying viewpoints. Sometimes, it can provide a perspective which helps us appreciate the person, maybe even changing our opinion of them. Or, we can agree to disagree.

Our negative thoughts only cultivate negative actions and they are usually draining. Expect the best of others, as you hope others expect the best of you. Holding a grudge only exacerbates problems. Learning to accept the person as they are, is challenging; however, it will enhance your relationship.

We can’t control all situations or people, however, we can choose how to respond to them. Being respectful in all situations, despite an internal struggle we may be experiencing, reflects our positive traits, integrity, and character.

It has only been in reflecting on personality clashes which I have experienced and making conscious changes in my approach that has enriched my relationships and enhanced my interactions. Just like nature’s “color clashes”, I’ve learned to appreciate personality clashes. 

As Leo Tolstoy wrote, “Love those who hate you.”

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Think Outside the Box

Discovering Creative Solutions

Do you know the expression, to think outside the box? Maybe you’ve heard it to encourage creativity in solving problems. You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to a more positive outcome. 
The expression, “Think outside the box” originates? From Sam Lloyd’s 1914 Cyclopedia of Puzzles. Maybe you’ve seen this. Try it. Draw nine dots, shown here; link all 9 dots using four straight lines, without lifting the pen and without tracing the line more than once. (Contact me for the solution.)

You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to  a more positive outcome. 

How can this apply to your relationships? Take one of your more recent conflicts you’ve had with a co-worker, friend or family member and reflect on what you could have done differently in the situation. Consider how the outcome could be different. Think outside the box! Avoid an approach which heightens discord. Evaluate the timing, being sure that each is calm and open to listening. Try humor, writing a note, something unexpected to initiate a different conversation. Envision your preferred results. 

Many times I’ve noticed that conflicts are more likely to arise for me when I’m feeling anxious, concerned or untrusting. If I have reflected on the root of my feelings and I’ve practiced alternative approaches, I’m more likely to have positive results. 

Participants of the workshops I lead have confirmed that practicing communication skills and perspective taking, learning about neuroscience, and collaborating with their group through interactive and engaging activities has benefited them in their relationships. 

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Two Sides of Football

A Different Perspective

Ever become confused by what someone is saying? You are on one train of thought, however, it’s not in the same direction... Check out this sport commentator’s description of a football game.
It’s been an action packed game of football, all of the spectators are at the edge of their seats. Just a few moments left, either team could win. The score is tied 3-3. The ball is passed down the field, the players run aggressively to stop the impending goal. It’s in. One point which turns the tides. Score 4-3. 

Confusing scoring? Not if you were thinking of soccer which is referred to as “football” in many places in the world. We know how words can take on multiple meanings. I know that I can fall prey to thinking that everyone else thinks like I do!

As in a recent blog “Fooled by Words”, it’s easy to see how misunderstandings can occur by the words we use. I remind myself that the words I use reflect my culture and experiences. I try to avoid making assumptions regarding the meaning of particular words for other people. I find it best to reflect back on my understanding, using “paraphrasing” to be sure my understanding is in line with what is being conveyed.

Learn more about active listening, paraphrasing, and other communication skills. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Half-full or Half-empty?

Avoid Negativity Bias

Is your glass half-empty or half-full? Most of us like to think that we see the glass as half-full. Our approach to our day-to-day life is affected by our perspective. We are influenced by circumstances, some not in our control. However, we can sway our biases and tendencies with a positive outlook and favorable habits.

Research indicates that our brain reacts more strongly to negative stimuli, than positive. Early humans’ survival depended on being vigilant of danger. However positive acts, thoughts, and experiences can override this. It does take focused effort.

William Shakespeare stated, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” 

Here’s an idea to keep your thinking in the positive. When making statements either aloud or to yourself, express them in the positive: Change “I don’t like to wash the car.” to “I like a clean car.”; “I can’t get to the gym.” to “I feel better after a work out.” This is particularly helpful when engaging others in setting rules, state them in the positive. Instead of “Don’t interrupt.” say, “One person speaks at a time.” Change, “Don’t hit.” to “Keep your hands to yourself.”

For more constructive ways to affect your perspective for the positive, set up a workshop to support and practice positive habits through interactive initiatives. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Fooled by Words

Words of Many Meanings

When you read this, It must be read with curiosity and intrigue.

What looks like the same words,  Change in their meanings, a quandary!

I want to be on record. That to accurately record

with minute distinctions, changing by the minute

might produce a variety of messages.

While the content of the project leaves us quite content,

We may project and refuse it, creating accidental refuse

while our object all along Does share our love with does. What!?!

By now, you may have noticed, How these words, like the winds 

Which twist and turn and winds us all entranced

with lead doves  Lead us to the entrance.

Can you tear yourself away from this melange of heteronyms?

(A word with the same spelling, Different pronunciations AND Different meanings!)

Please don’t shed a tear,  Or object, the object of this piece

as I happily dove into it, to lead us to a richer understanding  Of the words we use.

Communication is key. Let’s use our words wisely. For more information on fine tuning your communication deftness, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Speaking Another Language

Do We Mean the Same Thing?

Do you speak another language? Yes, we all do sometimes because we associate different meanings to the same words, even in the same language. We can clarify misunderstandings in “learning one another’s language”. 

Here’s an example: What do you mean when you say, “Just the other day…”? The difference in the reference of time lapse may be different. When my mom uses that phrase, she means within the past 2 weeks, whereas for my dad, it would mean up to a year ago! 

It’s easy to assume that we mean the same thing when we say something. It’s relative to our own experiences, perspectives, and customs. Young children learn language from their family, tribe, and community. And then there are non-verbal ways we communicate which also can be misinterpreted. (More on that soon.)

Communication is key. Let’s assume the best. If we find ourselves in a situation when we may have mistaken what someone has said to us, let’s ask questions to clarify. We may simply have had an alternative definition to the same word or phrase. 

I invite you to share other examples of these types of miscommunications. We are not alone. It happens to us all.

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Empathy Cultivates Understanding

Can we walk in the shoes of others? How can we become more empathetic? What are the benefits of doing so?

Research indicates the favorable benefits of being empathetic, reshaping our neural circuitry and altering how we interrelate with others for the positive.

Consider these findings: The research team headed by Tania Singer said, “When assessing the world around us and our fellow humans, we use ourselves as a yardstick and tend to project our own emotional state onto others.”

Moods can also affect the neural source of empathy. If we boost our positive perspectives, we more easily show empathy. Due to the neuroplasticity of our brains, we can make choices that allow us to transform our mindset.

Taking a multi-pronged approach to having a more positive outlook is best. That’s why shoes come in different sizes! Here are some ideas you could try.

***Spend time in Nature  ***Volunteer  ***Meditate ***Express Gratitudes ***Perform Acts of Kindness ***Practice Mindfulness ***Do something Creative

You’ve heard the expression, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Reaching a richer understanding of another’s perspective improves our relationships.

Here’s some history: Although the word “empathy” has its roots from the Greeks, its use is fairly new to the public, just a little over 60 years. Surprising and possibly telling:

In 1955, Reader’s Digest defined the term, which was new to the public outside of academia, as the “ability to appreciate the other person’s feelings without yourself becoming so emotionally involved that your judgment is affected.”

Research indicates that showing empathy is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.

For information to promote empathy and nurture more compassionate relationships for the rest of your life, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Value of Reminders

A Prompt Helps us to Remember

Do you know where the idea to tie a string on your finger to help you remember something originated? In Greek mythology, Ariadne gave Theseus the thread with which he found his way out of the Minotaur’s labyrinth. In times gone by, gentlemen would tie a knot in their handkerchief to remind themselves of something important. 

Eternity Knot Bracelets.

Science indicates that as animals, we are wired as “out of sight, out of mind” beings. The string is a prompt. Rings, bracelets, even rocks can be prompts. Choose a prompt which works for you. Consider a habit you’d like to change and let your prompt be your reminder. I’ve worn an eternity knot bracelet to help me be a better listener. I’ve distributed “gratitude rocks” to remind us to think of for what we are grateful each and every day. Research indicates that expressing thanks rewires our brains and produces extraordinary health benefits!

Contact me to set up a workshop and I’ll incorporate this activity in the customized, interactive workshop for your group. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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