Expect the Unexpected

Let Go and Embrace What May Arise

Are you at the helm of a rowboat or a canoe? Do you look back to move forward as in a rowboat or do you look forward as you paddle in a canoe?

We can move forward in looking back; learn from our experiences and welcome fresh understandings. 

Fresh life comes from compost. I witness this regularly with our small, yet  productive worm bin that provides “worm tea” and nutritious soil for our garden.

Keep the treasures of traditions and release the baggage of problematic patterns.

Whichever metaphor of the new and old appeals to you, reflect on which parts of your past benefits your potential for a favorable future and which parts to let go of and which to embrace …

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Pitfalls of Assumptions

I catch myself making assumptions, sometimes on a daily basis. It’s startling! Does this happen for you? Maybe you’re making guesses on what you are about to read.

We can avoid the pitfalls of assumptions. The result will be greater authenticity. It’s easier to be present when we are open to interactions, setting assumptions aside.

The first 3 letters in the word assumption poignantly point to how I feel when I assume. Why not just ask? There’s no need to overthink situations.  

When on a walk, I came upon this tree in the photo. I appreciated the textures and colors. It was a great reminder to take in its beauty and not try to figure out what had happened.

I’ve assumed that someone would not be available because they are going through some health issues or they might be really busy. Or, I have assumed that someone is rich because of the holiday decorations they had out. (More on this in a future article.)

Since assumptions can blind our view, change your perspective. Change an assumption to an opportunity to ask questions and learn more about others. 

Lead with curiosity setting aside judgments. This will lead to more authentic, healthy relationships. 

If I do make assumptions, I try to assume the best. Everyone is doing their best. 

Here’s a recent quote a friend shared: 

“The Six Assumptions: *Assume you are guarded and loved at all times, and worry not. *Assume everything's happening for your benefit, and fret not. *Assume everyone you meet is doing his or her best, and judge not.  *Assume you're good enough, always, and doubt not. *Assume that the next step is the right one, and falter not. *Assume all is well, and fear not.” 

Cash Peters, Why Your Life Matters

More on the being stuck with the “right way” next time. In the meantime, practice switching any assumptions to favorable outcomes. It’ll make a difference in how you connect with others and how you think of them. 

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The Gift of Acceptance

“Two Seconds of Sadness…Sometimes that’s all it takes!”

“If you do not transform your pain, you will most assuredly transmit it." 

Richard Rohr

As we come to the close of 2020, I invite you to a practice I know as Let it Out  and CHEER. Before you can "let it out", it being your anger, or pain, or disappointments, you acknowledge and accept them. My default for a long time has been to try to change or deny feelings altogether. The result was a cycle of more pain and pain inflicted on others in my attempt to rid myself of it. 

Acceptance, especially of what we don't have control over, allows us to eventually move beyond. This is also true of accepting and acknowledging others without attempting to fix, to change, or to minimize someone’s situation. As a friend shared with me in a recent phone call, “Two seconds of sadness is all I needed and wanted.” Truly listen to your feelings and genuinely listen to others.

Once recognized, our feelings or those of others – especially the difficult ones (the "Let it Out") then we can CHEER, being open to the silver linings, the benefits. This process can’t be forced. It’s often preceded by a time of not embracing the pain and realizing the results, that you can reap the benefits of sincerely acknowledging those uncomfortable feelings. It’s freeing!

For more insight on acceptance, I encourage you to read this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201508/how-acceptance-can-transform-your-life.

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A Benevolent Community

26 Days of Cultivating A Benevolent Community 

While we look forward to our cities “opening up”, how might we incorporate what we have learned to appreciate over the past few months, into our day-to-day lives … nurturing compassionate relationships, prioritizing our values, and acknowledging gratitudes. Habits have been altered as we practice safe measures for care of   others, visibly by wearing masks.

We have an opportunity to change our “invisible habits”, leading our lives with empathy, balance, reflection, kindness, and trust. I have 21 others, key words to guide us day-by-day. “Bit-by-Bit”, one act to practice or witness each day and share with others. 

Beginning June 1st, join me in 26 days of cultivating A Benevolent Community. Daily, I’ll be posting a letter with some key words to use as an anchor for the day. Share with others, how you practice or how you witness this in action. 

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An Authentic Apology

Forgiveness is a Gift

How does it feel to receive a sincere apology? For me, the integrity of the relationship is restored, trust is re-established, and a meaningful connection is deepened. So why can apologies be difficult to express or why may they be ineffective? A person may fear being vulnerable, not wanting to be blamed, or avoiding an embarrassing situation. Another potential obstacle may be how we were raised to give an apology.

Photo by juan pablo rodriguez on Unsplash

Maybe you’ve heard adults say to a young child, “Say, you're sorry”. Is this successful? Coerced apologies usually fail to convey authenticity. For those of us working with children, we have the opportunity to demonstrate the components of an authentic apology. The following points are keys for the young and old.

• Share an apology once you are ready to express remorse.

• State your wrongdoing, taking responsibility.

• Offer to right the wrong, making mutually accepted agreements.

• Make a commitment to not repeat the misconduct.

In a recent workshop with elementary children, I was asked how to best give an apology. A key is to recognize and express the misdeed. Essential words are: “I’m sorry for…” It’s crucial that a person clearly identify [for what it is specifically] they are apologetic.

Refrain from using a “but” as this retracts taking responsibility for the misconduct and can put the blame on someone or something else. 

Sincere apologies have many benefits. There is opportunity for restitution, making deeper connections, boosting confidence, strengthening credibility, and nurturing compassionate relationships. An authentic apology is an essential element of conflict resolution.

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Shifting Stereotypes

Sesame Street Shifts Stereotypes 

Celebrating 50 years, Sesame Street is a champion in stamping out stereotypes and dealing with diversity through its many muppet characters who depict the wide range of people of our world. What’s not to love in our most favorite? 

It has been with intention that Sesame Street producers creatively introduced to its worldwide audiences the array of similarities and differences which we have with one another. Take for example some of these characters we meet: Rosita, the bilingual muppet who teaches Latin American culture and language; Kami who brings awareness to the HIV/AIDS epidemic in South Africa; Mahboub, an Arab-Israeli muppet who speaks both Arabic and Hebrew; Tarah, a nine-year old girl who performs wheelchair ballet; Lily who faces food insecurity; and Julia who encourages us to be more sensitive and empathetic to those with autism. Presenting these characters and many others as members of our every day communities has made a difference in influencing the young and old to reduce prejudices. 

There are a flurry of “anti-bias” and diversity trainings happening in the work force in many fields from schools to corporations. Despite the great value in bringing awareness through trainings, it is through getting to know others who are different from ourselves whereby we can dissolve the stereotypes we have. Researcher and author, Jennifer Eberhard, writes in her recently published book, Biased, “We know that close relationships with people unlike ourselves - at school, at work, at church, in neighborhoods - can help mute the impact of prejudice and blur group boundaries.” (I highly recommend this book!)

And yes, we all have biases. From a very youthful age, as young as 6 months, babies are aware of skin color. Studies show that the “color blind” message, that is, if you don’t think about race, you won’t be biased… has backfired, hindering our progress towards greater equality. Our approach to others of a different skin color or any other “difference” for that matter, can bear a positive influence for future generations. Let’s be the agents of change to honor one another just like Sesame Street’s characters do. 

For fun, chime in to share your favorite clip from Sesame Street in honor of their 50th Anniversary.

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https://www.history.com/news/8-stereotype-shattering-sesame-street-characters

How is a Community Like a Wheel?

Interconnections in our Communities

The wheel is a metaphor for the structure of a community. Imagine that each spoke represents a person in the community. The spokes joining at the hub provides strength, stability, and ease in moving the society along. The hub is what connects each individual. Each person is interdependent as are the spokes of the wheel. Should one spoke break, then the wheel no longer moves forward smoothly.  By contrast, one strong spoke can help support the rest of the group. Think of peace advocates who have impacted your life. The influence of the individual is significant.

Build a sense of community with each group you are a part of. For years, I introduced many team building activities within the first weeks of the school year. These proved to be beneficial when our class faced difficult decisions together. Since I had introduced the idea of how our community was like a wheel, solutions that we considered would weigh in on what was best for the group. Sometimes discussions on compromise would arise. The goal is to find Win-Win solutions. 

To unpack this metaphor further, we discuss how the hub at the center is what brings the community together. The children identify the different communities they are a part of…family, sport teams, clubs, classes, city, country, even the world. We are members of multiple communities to which we have an allegiance. 

At times, children from the same classroom found themselves playing on opposing sides of a team sport. The question would arise, to which community is your strongest allegiance? Doesn’t this happen for adults whose family members are from a different church, a different political perspective, or have different values. Regardless of these separate communities, we are all members of the human race, a community as a whole. We are different and we are one.

When I am the broken spoke or the one supporting others so that the wheel moves steadily, I’ve found the Golden Rule to be my guiding principle.

As J.K. Rowling writes, “We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” 

For more ideas about building community, send an Email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com to set up a workshop.

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The Benefits of Civility

Civil Discourse Opens Doors

From our constitution’s preamble, “We the People” are called to “form a more perfect Union”. And how do we best go about this?

First, let’s consider that the “we” implies that it is a task for all of us. “The more perfect Union” is subject for interpretation, however, its outcome is to benefit each of the individuals of our nation, of our world, who are part of the whole. I interpret this as to have the civil obligation to participate, being a contributing citizen, out of concern and commitment to the entire population. This poses a paradox of our individual commitments to be for the good of the nation. 

Earnest dialogue is essential, however, my sense from what I read is that our national conversation is in conflict. Some are choosing to sever relationships due to opposing points of view. I believe this is a loss. Agreement is not a crucial element of a healthy relationship. 

P.M. Forni states in his article, Why civility is necessary for the survival of society, that “The harmonious relationships that civility helps foster have a positive impact on our overall well-being.” He further explains John Moulton’s concept of the “realm of the unenforceable” wherein “our actions are influenced by our sense of what is the proper, responsible, and decent thing to do.” We can make a difference with our actions, particularly those not governed by laws, but by self-regulation. 

We are the stewards of our nation, of our world. Forni, also affirms, “Humans are the most social of all earth's creatures. We constantly connect and relate. If life is a relational experience, then its quality is, to a considerable extent, measured against the quality of our relationships.”

Let’s work together to improve our relationships, engage in conversations to understand one another, (not trying to change someone’s opinion), and promote civility nationally and globally with our daily exchanges.

To learn more about how to improve communication skills, and enhance your relationships, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Balance for All

Lead with Justice for All

 Do you remember playing Tug of War, two teams on opposing sides pulling with all their might to win the other team over to their side? This is taking on the viewpoint that power is like weights in a balance whereby no one gains power without someone else losing power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our perspective.

Years ago, I was introduced with an alternative game, Tug of Peace, with two opposing teams pulling on the rope, but teams win when the center of the rope hovers over a designated spot. If one side shows greater strength, some switch sides to create an equilibrium, keeping the center balanced. The challenge is to see how long this balance of strength can be maintained in working together.

At the root of many interpersonal and worldwide conflicts is the struggle for greater power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our approach. We can fortify one another’s power without others losing theirs. Working together, we can affirm each other and as a result earn one another’s trust. In resolving conflicts, we can reach greater understanding, respect, and compassion. We can experience the balance of control when, letting go of our own agenda, taking on the perspective of the other and reaching mutual agreed upon solutions. In this way, we find win-win results. 

Let us be judicious in our own lives so that we do not have the need for greater power at the expense of others. Let us begin with our interpersonal relationships to find this balance so that it may affect the worldwide struggles, creating an appreciable sense of justice.

To learn more about building greater balance in our relationships and the workshops which I offer, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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An Appreciation for Clashes

Nature’s Paintbrush

Do colors clash? Not if we look in nature! However, we can expect that personalities may clash. We can transform this friction with some effective alternatives. 

First, do know, when dealing with people, it’s to be expected that we get along more easily with some rather than others. Challenging encounters need greater thoughtfulness to reduce the tension. Eventually with implementing considerate approaches, clashes lessen. 

Consider why personality conflicts arise. Our expectations, differences of opinions, values, or some other underlying issue is usually at the root. These are based in our own experiences which are unlike anyone else’s. Getting to know a person better, helps us to understand varying viewpoints. Sometimes, it can provide a perspective which helps us appreciate the person, maybe even changing our opinion of them. Or, we can agree to disagree.

Our negative thoughts only cultivate negative actions and they are usually draining. Expect the best of others, as you hope others expect the best of you. Holding a grudge only exacerbates problems. Learning to accept the person as they are, is challenging; however, it will enhance your relationship.

We can’t control all situations or people, however, we can choose how to respond to them. Being respectful in all situations, despite an internal struggle we may be experiencing, reflects our positive traits, integrity, and character.

It has only been in reflecting on personality clashes which I have experienced and making conscious changes in my approach that has enriched my relationships and enhanced my interactions. Just like nature’s “color clashes”, I’ve learned to appreciate personality clashes. 

As Leo Tolstoy wrote, “Love those who hate you.”

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Think Outside the Box

Discovering Creative Solutions

Do you know the expression, to think outside the box? Maybe you’ve heard it to encourage creativity in solving problems. You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to a more positive outcome. 
The expression, “Think outside the box” originates? From Sam Lloyd’s 1914 Cyclopedia of Puzzles. Maybe you’ve seen this. Try it. Draw nine dots, shown here; link all 9 dots using four straight lines, without lifting the pen and without tracing the line more than once. (Contact me for the solution.)

You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to  a more positive outcome. 

How can this apply to your relationships? Take one of your more recent conflicts you’ve had with a co-worker, friend or family member and reflect on what you could have done differently in the situation. Consider how the outcome could be different. Think outside the box! Avoid an approach which heightens discord. Evaluate the timing, being sure that each is calm and open to listening. Try humor, writing a note, something unexpected to initiate a different conversation. Envision your preferred results. 

Many times I’ve noticed that conflicts are more likely to arise for me when I’m feeling anxious, concerned or untrusting. If I have reflected on the root of my feelings and I’ve practiced alternative approaches, I’m more likely to have positive results. 

Participants of the workshops I lead have confirmed that practicing communication skills and perspective taking, learning about neuroscience, and collaborating with their group through interactive and engaging activities has benefited them in their relationships. 

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Two Sides of Football

A Different Perspective

Ever become confused by what someone is saying? You are on one train of thought, however, it’s not in the same direction... Check out this sport commentator’s description of a football game.
It’s been an action packed game of football, all of the spectators are at the edge of their seats. Just a few moments left, either team could win. The score is tied 3-3. The ball is passed down the field, the players run aggressively to stop the impending goal. It’s in. One point which turns the tides. Score 4-3. 

Confusing scoring? Not if you were thinking of soccer which is referred to as “football” in many places in the world. We know how words can take on multiple meanings. I know that I can fall prey to thinking that everyone else thinks like I do!

As in a recent blog “Fooled by Words”, it’s easy to see how misunderstandings can occur by the words we use. I remind myself that the words I use reflect my culture and experiences. I try to avoid making assumptions regarding the meaning of particular words for other people. I find it best to reflect back on my understanding, using “paraphrasing” to be sure my understanding is in line with what is being conveyed.

Learn more about active listening, paraphrasing, and other communication skills. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Half-full or Half-empty?

Avoid Negativity Bias

Is your glass half-empty or half-full? Most of us like to think that we see the glass as half-full. Our approach to our day-to-day life is affected by our perspective. We are influenced by circumstances, some not in our control. However, we can sway our biases and tendencies with a positive outlook and favorable habits.

Research indicates that our brain reacts more strongly to negative stimuli, than positive. Early humans’ survival depended on being vigilant of danger. However positive acts, thoughts, and experiences can override this. It does take focused effort.

William Shakespeare stated, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” 

Here’s an idea to keep your thinking in the positive. When making statements either aloud or to yourself, express them in the positive: Change “I don’t like to wash the car.” to “I like a clean car.”; “I can’t get to the gym.” to “I feel better after a work out.” This is particularly helpful when engaging others in setting rules, state them in the positive. Instead of “Don’t interrupt.” say, “One person speaks at a time.” Change, “Don’t hit.” to “Keep your hands to yourself.”

For more constructive ways to affect your perspective for the positive, set up a workshop to support and practice positive habits through interactive initiatives. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Fooled by Words

Words of Many Meanings

When you read this, It must be read with curiosity and intrigue.

What looks like the same words,  Change in their meanings, a quandary!

I want to be on record. That to accurately record

with minute distinctions, changing by the minute

might produce a variety of messages.

While the content of the project leaves us quite content,

We may project and refuse it, creating accidental refuse

while our object all along Does share our love with does. What!?!

By now, you may have noticed, How these words, like the winds 

Which twist and turn and winds us all entranced

with lead doves  Lead us to the entrance.

Can you tear yourself away from this melange of heteronyms?

(A word with the same spelling, Different pronunciations AND Different meanings!)

Please don’t shed a tear,  Or object, the object of this piece

as I happily dove into it, to lead us to a richer understanding  Of the words we use.

Communication is key. Let’s use our words wisely. For more information on fine tuning your communication deftness, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Speaking Another Language

Do We Mean the Same Thing?

Do you speak another language? Yes, we all do sometimes because we associate different meanings to the same words, even in the same language. We can clarify misunderstandings in “learning one another’s language”. 

Here’s an example: What do you mean when you say, “Just the other day…”? The difference in the reference of time lapse may be different. When my mom uses that phrase, she means within the past 2 weeks, whereas for my dad, it would mean up to a year ago! 

It’s easy to assume that we mean the same thing when we say something. It’s relative to our own experiences, perspectives, and customs. Young children learn language from their family, tribe, and community. And then there are non-verbal ways we communicate which also can be misinterpreted. (More on that soon.)

Communication is key. Let’s assume the best. If we find ourselves in a situation when we may have mistaken what someone has said to us, let’s ask questions to clarify. We may simply have had an alternative definition to the same word or phrase. 

I invite you to share other examples of these types of miscommunications. We are not alone. It happens to us all.

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