Pitfalls of Assumptions

I catch myself making assumptions, sometimes on a daily basis. It’s startling! Does this happen for you? Maybe you’re making guesses on what you are about to read.

We can avoid the pitfalls of assumptions. The result will be greater authenticity. It’s easier to be present when we are open to interactions, setting assumptions aside.

The first 3 letters in the word assumption poignantly point to how I feel when I assume. Why not just ask? There’s no need to overthink situations.  

When on a walk, I came upon this tree in the photo. I appreciated the textures and colors. It was a great reminder to take in its beauty and not try to figure out what had happened.

I’ve assumed that someone would not be available because they are going through some health issues or they might be really busy. Or, I have assumed that someone is rich because of the holiday decorations they had out. (More on this in a future article.)

Since assumptions can blind our view, change your perspective. Change an assumption to an opportunity to ask questions and learn more about others. 

Lead with curiosity setting aside judgments. This will lead to more authentic, healthy relationships. 

If I do make assumptions, I try to assume the best. Everyone is doing their best. 

Here’s a recent quote a friend shared: 

“The Six Assumptions: *Assume you are guarded and loved at all times, and worry not. *Assume everything's happening for your benefit, and fret not. *Assume everyone you meet is doing his or her best, and judge not.  *Assume you're good enough, always, and doubt not. *Assume that the next step is the right one, and falter not. *Assume all is well, and fear not.” 

Cash Peters, Why Your Life Matters

More on the being stuck with the “right way” next time. In the meantime, practice switching any assumptions to favorable outcomes. It’ll make a difference in how you connect with others and how you think of them. 

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The Gift of Acceptance

“Two Seconds of Sadness…Sometimes that’s all it takes!”

“If you do not transform your pain, you will most assuredly transmit it." 

Richard Rohr

As we come to the close of 2020, I invite you to a practice I know as Let it Out  and CHEER. Before you can "let it out", it being your anger, or pain, or disappointments, you acknowledge and accept them. My default for a long time has been to try to change or deny feelings altogether. The result was a cycle of more pain and pain inflicted on others in my attempt to rid myself of it. 

Acceptance, especially of what we don't have control over, allows us to eventually move beyond. This is also true of accepting and acknowledging others without attempting to fix, to change, or to minimize someone’s situation. As a friend shared with me in a recent phone call, “Two seconds of sadness is all I needed and wanted.” Truly listen to your feelings and genuinely listen to others.

Once recognized, our feelings or those of others – especially the difficult ones (the "Let it Out") then we can CHEER, being open to the silver linings, the benefits. This process can’t be forced. It’s often preceded by a time of not embracing the pain and realizing the results, that you can reap the benefits of sincerely acknowledging those uncomfortable feelings. It’s freeing!

For more insight on acceptance, I encourage you to read this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201508/how-acceptance-can-transform-your-life.

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If You Really Knew Me...

Get to Know Each Other in Surprising Ways

How do you build trust? A key element to nurturing relationships is to get to know one another which leads to greater trust. I have shared with hundreds of children and adults alike this simple, fun activity. I thought that this activity would be a timely one with many of you beginning a new school year. 

Most people know that I’m an educator, I’m married, I have two children, and I speak French fluently (although I was not born in France, despite rumors I have heard). However, when I’ve introduced this initiative with groups, many learn more about me. For example, twice I have helped to raise a Lanner falcon. (The photo was taken in our home.) Altogether, I’ve had eleven teeth extracted. I prefer chilled water with no ice. I have grown Yuzu citrus plants from seed. I love to read historical fiction, despite having struggled as a child with reading. I have not traveled to the continents of Africa nor Australia  . . . oh, and I should add Antartica, yet!

If you are part of a group which meets on a regular basis, you can repeat this activity . Or, you can just go around once as a way to get to know others within a new group.

Here’s how it works: Describe to the group that each person will share their response to the statement: “If you really knew me, you would know that… “ Responses are personal, however, not private…something of interest. Be ready for laughter and surprises!

And yes, this can be repeated over and over with the same group. I first learned of this activity from a group of dedicated camp counselors at the Mosaic Project. At the end of each day, they would share something with one another as a way to begin their debriefing session, reflecting on the day and the campers in their care. Even after many months of camp, they still had illuminating facts to exchange with one another.

When we get to know others better, we improve our relationships. We can appreciate varying experiences and perspectives. 

To learn more about other activities to help nurture compassionate relationships, send me an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com

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Positive Thinking

The Power of Positivity

How we overcome obstacles, makes a difference. For his many accomplishments,  Henry Ford had as many if not more hurdles to overcome. He was raised on a farm, along with his seven siblings. At the youthful age of 15, he built his first steam engine. He disliked farm work, a motivating factor for his eight mile walk to Detroit at the age of 16, to find work in a machine shop. Some think that he invented the automobile or assembly line. However, he did neither. He developed and manufactured the first affordable automobile. Ford overcame many, many obstacles, and has to his name 161 unique patents. Another famous quote of his, “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.”

Some years ago, a friend said to me, “Be careful what you tell yourself.” I find myself remembering this when negative thoughts creep in.

Fostering a positive attitude makes a difference in our overall health. Reframing our challenges is a first step. Visualize possibilities by changing your language, using the “Power of Yet” (see Feb.1st blog). Journaling daily gratitudes has been known to impact our thoughts favorably. Warren Buffet stated that one of his keys to happiness is to surround himself with positive people. Approaching 90, he continues to be active, going to work regularly. He describes as another key to happiness…to be passionate about the work you do. These principles resonate with me.

Take some time to consider how you can expand your positive outlook. We can train our brain in a relatively short amount of time to permanently raise levels of happiness. Join me on this quest. 

To learn more about developing positive, nurturing relationships, within an interactive, uniquely designed workshop, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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The Benefits of Civility

Civil Discourse Opens Doors

From our constitution’s preamble, “We the People” are called to “form a more perfect Union”. And how do we best go about this?

First, let’s consider that the “we” implies that it is a task for all of us. “The more perfect Union” is subject for interpretation, however, its outcome is to benefit each of the individuals of our nation, of our world, who are part of the whole. I interpret this as to have the civil obligation to participate, being a contributing citizen, out of concern and commitment to the entire population. This poses a paradox of our individual commitments to be for the good of the nation. 

Earnest dialogue is essential, however, my sense from what I read is that our national conversation is in conflict. Some are choosing to sever relationships due to opposing points of view. I believe this is a loss. Agreement is not a crucial element of a healthy relationship. 

P.M. Forni states in his article, Why civility is necessary for the survival of society, that “The harmonious relationships that civility helps foster have a positive impact on our overall well-being.” He further explains John Moulton’s concept of the “realm of the unenforceable” wherein “our actions are influenced by our sense of what is the proper, responsible, and decent thing to do.” We can make a difference with our actions, particularly those not governed by laws, but by self-regulation. 

We are the stewards of our nation, of our world. Forni, also affirms, “Humans are the most social of all earth's creatures. We constantly connect and relate. If life is a relational experience, then its quality is, to a considerable extent, measured against the quality of our relationships.”

Let’s work together to improve our relationships, engage in conversations to understand one another, (not trying to change someone’s opinion), and promote civility nationally and globally with our daily exchanges.

To learn more about how to improve communication skills, and enhance your relationships, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Balance for All

Lead with Justice for All

 Do you remember playing Tug of War, two teams on opposing sides pulling with all their might to win the other team over to their side? This is taking on the viewpoint that power is like weights in a balance whereby no one gains power without someone else losing power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our perspective.

Years ago, I was introduced with an alternative game, Tug of Peace, with two opposing teams pulling on the rope, but teams win when the center of the rope hovers over a designated spot. If one side shows greater strength, some switch sides to create an equilibrium, keeping the center balanced. The challenge is to see how long this balance of strength can be maintained in working together.

At the root of many interpersonal and worldwide conflicts is the struggle for greater power. However, we can maintain and even gain in our own personal power when we change our approach. We can fortify one another’s power without others losing theirs. Working together, we can affirm each other and as a result earn one another’s trust. In resolving conflicts, we can reach greater understanding, respect, and compassion. We can experience the balance of control when, letting go of our own agenda, taking on the perspective of the other and reaching mutual agreed upon solutions. In this way, we find win-win results. 

Let us be judicious in our own lives so that we do not have the need for greater power at the expense of others. Let us begin with our interpersonal relationships to find this balance so that it may affect the worldwide struggles, creating an appreciable sense of justice.

To learn more about building greater balance in our relationships and the workshops which I offer, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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An Appreciation for Clashes

Nature’s Paintbrush

Do colors clash? Not if we look in nature! However, we can expect that personalities may clash. We can transform this friction with some effective alternatives. 

First, do know, when dealing with people, it’s to be expected that we get along more easily with some rather than others. Challenging encounters need greater thoughtfulness to reduce the tension. Eventually with implementing considerate approaches, clashes lessen. 

Consider why personality conflicts arise. Our expectations, differences of opinions, values, or some other underlying issue is usually at the root. These are based in our own experiences which are unlike anyone else’s. Getting to know a person better, helps us to understand varying viewpoints. Sometimes, it can provide a perspective which helps us appreciate the person, maybe even changing our opinion of them. Or, we can agree to disagree.

Our negative thoughts only cultivate negative actions and they are usually draining. Expect the best of others, as you hope others expect the best of you. Holding a grudge only exacerbates problems. Learning to accept the person as they are, is challenging; however, it will enhance your relationship.

We can’t control all situations or people, however, we can choose how to respond to them. Being respectful in all situations, despite an internal struggle we may be experiencing, reflects our positive traits, integrity, and character.

It has only been in reflecting on personality clashes which I have experienced and making conscious changes in my approach that has enriched my relationships and enhanced my interactions. Just like nature’s “color clashes”, I’ve learned to appreciate personality clashes. 

As Leo Tolstoy wrote, “Love those who hate you.”

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Think Outside the Box

Discovering Creative Solutions

Do you know the expression, to think outside the box? Maybe you’ve heard it to encourage creativity in solving problems. You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to a more positive outcome. 
The expression, “Think outside the box” originates? From Sam Lloyd’s 1914 Cyclopedia of Puzzles. Maybe you’ve seen this. Try it. Draw nine dots, shown here; link all 9 dots using four straight lines, without lifting the pen and without tracing the line more than once. (Contact me for the solution.)

You can implement this particularly when settling interpersonal conflicts. If we fall back on habits of making assumptions, judgments, especially of people we’ve known for a while, we are likely to have similar results, and not moving closer to  a more positive outcome. 

How can this apply to your relationships? Take one of your more recent conflicts you’ve had with a co-worker, friend or family member and reflect on what you could have done differently in the situation. Consider how the outcome could be different. Think outside the box! Avoid an approach which heightens discord. Evaluate the timing, being sure that each is calm and open to listening. Try humor, writing a note, something unexpected to initiate a different conversation. Envision your preferred results. 

Many times I’ve noticed that conflicts are more likely to arise for me when I’m feeling anxious, concerned or untrusting. If I have reflected on the root of my feelings and I’ve practiced alternative approaches, I’m more likely to have positive results. 

Participants of the workshops I lead have confirmed that practicing communication skills and perspective taking, learning about neuroscience, and collaborating with their group through interactive and engaging activities has benefited them in their relationships. 

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Two Sides of Football

A Different Perspective

Ever become confused by what someone is saying? You are on one train of thought, however, it’s not in the same direction... Check out this sport commentator’s description of a football game.
It’s been an action packed game of football, all of the spectators are at the edge of their seats. Just a few moments left, either team could win. The score is tied 3-3. The ball is passed down the field, the players run aggressively to stop the impending goal. It’s in. One point which turns the tides. Score 4-3. 

Confusing scoring? Not if you were thinking of soccer which is referred to as “football” in many places in the world. We know how words can take on multiple meanings. I know that I can fall prey to thinking that everyone else thinks like I do!

As in a recent blog “Fooled by Words”, it’s easy to see how misunderstandings can occur by the words we use. I remind myself that the words I use reflect my culture and experiences. I try to avoid making assumptions regarding the meaning of particular words for other people. I find it best to reflect back on my understanding, using “paraphrasing” to be sure my understanding is in line with what is being conveyed.

Learn more about active listening, paraphrasing, and other communication skills. Send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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Fooled by Words

Words of Many Meanings

When you read this, It must be read with curiosity and intrigue.

What looks like the same words,  Change in their meanings, a quandary!

I want to be on record. That to accurately record

with minute distinctions, changing by the minute

might produce a variety of messages.

While the content of the project leaves us quite content,

We may project and refuse it, creating accidental refuse

while our object all along Does share our love with does. What!?!

By now, you may have noticed, How these words, like the winds 

Which twist and turn and winds us all entranced

with lead doves  Lead us to the entrance.

Can you tear yourself away from this melange of heteronyms?

(A word with the same spelling, Different pronunciations AND Different meanings!)

Please don’t shed a tear,  Or object, the object of this piece

as I happily dove into it, to lead us to a richer understanding  Of the words we use.

Communication is key. Let’s use our words wisely. For more information on fine tuning your communication deftness, send an email: pathways2tlc@gmail.com.

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